Mission: Mullet
At the risk of sounding like a 13-year-old girl on myspace and/or Vince Neil and Bret Michaels talking shop backstage at an 80's nostalgia-fest, I shall now commit to the Internet several paragraphs discussing my hair.

A while back I decided to get rid of this stupid fucking mullet.

"WHAT?!?!" scream a handful of people, most notably Seriah Azkath of The Last Exit for the Lost, airing Saturdays from midnight to 5am on WVBR in Ithaca, NY. "That's a part of your image! Your identity! Why the hell would you do that?"

Well, primarily because I've had the goddamn thing since 1989 or so, and I'd like to have something different on my head now. And since stapling a live chicken there wouldn't go over too well at work and would probably piss off the vegans, I'm going toward the mullet mitigation side of things instead.  The only reason I have a mullet in the first place is that my family moved to West Virginia for three years when I was a teenager, and it was issued to me at the border.  The main reason I've kept it in recent years is in response to Hot Topic's anti-mullet propaganda of the early 00s.  There's also the Samson aspect - the one time I ever cut it short, I got in a head-on collision on my way home from the barber and destroyed my Mom's Chevy Sprint as well as a decent chunk of my knee.

So for the last few months, in the interest of never doing anything the easy way, I've been growing out the rest of my hair. The current result is the dreaded Awkward Midlength Stage, and every day I look a little bit more like Javier Bardem in "No Country For Old Men." I have to blow dry it now or it curls up all over the friggin' place (which I'm no goddamn good at due to spending the last 34 years as a GUY,) good bits of it are coming in gray (due to the aforementioned 34 years,) and most annoyingly of all, I'd forgotten just how goddamned slow my hair grows. This is taking forever. Fortunately my job doesn't seem to give much of a crap how stupid I look, but it's starting to irritate Kim, and as she is by contractual obligation my alpha and omega in the nookie department, I kinda need to maintain my appearance at a level she can tolerate without heaving. So I may abandon this project...I'm undecided at the moment.

In the meantime, I will continue to give updates, and if Mission:Mullet continues to completion, I will gladly accept suggestions for how to change the mullet-related lines in "I've Got A Wife" and "I'm Gonna Procreate."

Courage,
-=ShoEboX=-