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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Shoebox" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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07:43 am
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Traffic fun
I pull out of a parking lot this morning (Wegmans - I wanted a goddamn bagel,) wait at a red light, and, when no cars are coming for a bit, make a right turn onto a 4-lane road.
Seconds later, a gigantic SUV - which was far away at the time I made the turn, mind you - comes screaming up behind me, almost hitting my bumper, and the lady inside starts freaking out - throwing her arms around and screaming god-knows-what, with the apparent implication that I should be going 65mph despite the fact that it's a 35mph zone and I'm approaching a red light.
I decide to mock her, so I start throwing my arms around like Dr. Octopus on crack while my brain starts trying to work out whether I have room in my tiny car to get myself into a decent position to moon her. But before I can work out the logistics, she flips me off - AND TAKES THE NEXT TURN, ABOUT 1/8 OF A MILE UP THE ROAD FROM WHERE I GOT IN FRONT OF HER. I inconvenienced this speed demon for a total of maybe 15 seconds, and for this she flipped out like I had just set her baby on fire.
It's this last realization that was the clincher as far as my mood. I started playing various scenarios in my brain, ranging from "instead of throwing my arms around wildly, I should have called upon my moderate ASL knowledge and signed 'EAT A BAG OF BATTERED SKUNK VAGINAS, BITCH!'" to "I should have turned around, followed her down her side road, gotten out of my car when she got out of hers, summoned some tears, and guilted the fuck out of her with a story about my wife having just died four days ago and how I'm now the single parent of legless siamese twin crack babies trying to get by at my job cleaning the video booths at a 24-hour gay porn shop with a toothbrush, and they only pay me in store credit so my family subsists on a diet of edible thongs and gummi penises."
I finally settled into just hoping she has a heart attack and dies today (sure, she might just be having a bad day, but I'm not a particularly forgiving person - particularly when it comes to people I do not know personally who have irritated me without me having done anything to deserve it.) But as this outcome is unlikely despite her obvious stress level, I will instead have to be contented with posting this here in the hopes that a handful of my friends and fans of Worm Quartet will read it, and thus multiple people across the world who have never met and will never meet this woman will think "God, what a cunt."
-=ShoEboX=-
Tags: nofump
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01:16 pm
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Fun with words
Kim and I are catsitting for some friends of ours who are in the process of buying a home, but temporarily living in a place where they can't have pets. Our furry freeloader's name is Kiki, and she tends to meow loudly and incessantly when she wants something. This resulted in the following conversation this morning while I was getting Steve ready for day care:
KIKI: Mrow! Mrow! Mrow!
ME: Wow, Kiki's obnoxious this morning!
STEVE: Yeah, she's very noxious!
*pause*
STEVE: I don't know that word.
-=ShoEboX=-
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08:40 am
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Well...
I'm not saying that the fact that I have a signed photo of Ed the Sock makes me better than you...
...but mostly because I don't have to.
-=ShoEboX=-
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05:07 pm
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Now available from the Worm Quartet store:
Check out this here t-shirt!
Now available in sizes from M-3XL in the Worm Quartet store!
You want it so goddamned bad!
-=ShoEboX=-
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09:23 am
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Worm Quartet's first wedding performance
My favorite moment of Carrie's wedding was when Meat Loaf informed her that she'd won a new dinette set and a year's supply of turtle wax.
-=ShoEboX=-
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08:48 am
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DUCKS IMMEDIATELY
DUCK (EXTERIOR)
DUCK (INTERIOR)
DUCK (BURNINATION VARIETY)
Don't worry, these are duck photos.
UPDATE: SHIT! That last one's a fucking GOOSE! What the fuck? AGGHHH!! Fuck-assed assfucking fuckshit! I hate the Internet forever!
-=ShoEboX=-
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03:56 pm
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YAY!
Thanks to everybody who came out to the Bug Jar show last night! T'was a great time!
If you missed it, respond with your excuses here and I'll let you know whether or not I forgive you.
-=ShoEboX=-
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10:40 am
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Don't even pretend you have anything better to do tonight.
-=ShoEboX=-
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10:31 pm
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WORM QUARTET UPDATE AND BLATANT PLUG - 6/19/09
Hey, people!
I haven't sent one of these out in a while! Sorry 'bout that. Hope you've
somehow managed to find a way to get through your daily life without knowing
what I currently smell like.
Anyway, I've got a show in Rochester on Wednesday! You're totally coming!
( Read more... )
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11:28 am
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Every story has a beginning?
( Story time, dammit! )
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11:52 am
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A word from Mr. Weasel...
Here's an interesting take on illegal downloadings effects on "the little guy" from Ben Weasel.
-=ShoEboX=-
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09:47 am
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Mission: Mullet
At the risk of sounding like a 13-year-old girl on myspace and/or Vince Neil and Bret Michaels talking shop backstage at an 80's nostalgia-fest, I shall now commit to the Internet several paragraphs discussing my hair.
A while back I decided to get rid of this stupid fucking mullet.
"WHAT?!?!" scream a handful of people, most notably Seriah Azkath of The Last Exit for the Lost, airing Saturdays from midnight to 5am on WVBR in Ithaca, NY. "That's a part of your image! Your identity! Why the hell would you do that?"
Well, primarily because I've had the goddamn thing since 1989 or so, and I'd like to have something different on my head now. And since stapling a live chicken there wouldn't go over too well at work and would probably piss off the vegans, I'm going toward the mullet mitigation side of things instead. The only reason I have a mullet in the first place is that my family moved to West Virginia for three years when I was a teenager, and it was issued to me at the border. The main reason I've kept it in recent years is in response to Hot Topic's anti-mullet propaganda of the early 00s. There's also the Samson aspect - the one time I ever cut it short, I got in a head-on collision on my way home from the barber and destroyed my Mom's Chevy Sprint as well as a decent chunk of my knee.
So for the last few months, in the interest of never doing anything the easy way, I've been growing out the rest of my hair. The current result is the dreaded Awkward Midlength Stage, and every day I look a little bit more like Javier Bardem in "No Country For Old Men." I have to blow dry it now or it curls up all over the friggin' place (which I'm no goddamn good at due to spending the last 34 years as a GUY,) good bits of it are coming in gray (due to the aforementioned 34 years,) and most annoyingly of all, I'd forgotten just how goddamned slow my hair grows. This is taking forever. Fortunately my job doesn't seem to give much of a crap how stupid I look, but it's starting to irritate Kim, and as she is by contractual obligation my alpha and omega in the nookie department, I kinda need to maintain my appearance at a level she can tolerate without heaving. So I may abandon this project...I'm undecided at the moment.
In the meantime, I will continue to give updates, and if Mission:Mullet continues to completion, I will gladly accept suggestions for how to change the mullet-related lines in "I've Got A Wife" and "I'm Gonna Procreate."
Courage,
-=ShoEboX=-
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11:55 am
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Sumophobia re-release notes
So, when I re-released Sumophobia as "Sumophobia Alpha 2 EX Super Championship Turbo Edition," I wrote up a whole detailed thing on what I'd done with each track, and ended up saving this to my hard drive and completely forgetting about it (unless I did post it somewhere and just forgot - this is certainly possible.) I just found it when I was looking for stuff to add to the CDBaby page on the album, and figured I'd post it here as well as there, in case you guys care.
( Long-winded explanations lurk here! Clicky clicky! )
-=ShoEboX=-
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12:04 pm
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Whoah.
Check out the user reviews on Amazon for "Faster Than A Speeding Mullet!" Somebody really gets it.
-=ShoEboX=-
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10:31 am
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iTunes?
Can somebody tell me whether or not "Sumophobia" and "Stupid Video Game Music" are showing up on iTunes yet? I don't use it because even though I primarily listen to music on my Zen player, I still like having shiny round things take up space in my house.
EDIT: All set now! Thanks!!
-='Box=-
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08:59 am
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My sister has a somewhat different relationship with sea life
My sister Joy is the first woman ever to go kayak fishing in the east coast gulf stream! Stop calling me a liar and click here to read about it!
Joy's awesome. You should all wish you were her, if only because she lives on the goddamn outer banks of North Carolina, one of the most beautiful places in the whole stupid world.
-=ShoEboX=-
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03:20 pm
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YAY!
I have one more season of Babylon 5 to watch before I can listen to Tom Smith's "Five Years" without putting my hands over my ears and going "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!"
-=ShoEboX=-
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03:37 pm
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Wet animals I've known
I seem to have a very odd relationship with sea life.
I often have terrible nightmares which are almost totally devoted to images of bizarre aquatic creatures dying in horrible ways, often directly or indirectly because of something I've done, and the idea that I'm helpless to prevent their demise. I can't explain this in detail or suggest what it means or why it bugs me so much, but thinking about it even now makes me shudder.
Over here in reality, my relationship with water-dwelling critters is at least somewhat less disturbing. My sister had fish for a while, and my parents had fish for a while, but the first wet animals I ever owned were a pair of African claw-footed water frogs given to me by my girlfriend Kim (who I later married because it's not every day you find a woman who gives you frogs.) Their names were Ziploc and Thermostat, and they amused the crap out of me by being simultaneously goofy-looking and surprisingly graceful. They glided in arcs through the water, propelled by their powerful legs, and could float to the top to breathe or sink to the bottom at a whim. They also ate like Cookie Monster, lunging at food (live or cylindrical) and jamming it into their mouths using their hands, usually with so much force that it actually drove their bodies backwards. Ziploc also liked to bury her head in the marbles that lined the bottom of the aquarium, kicking violently to make sure it was well and truly wedged where she wanted it and then going limp, her body sticking up from the marbles like a creepy-ass reptilian-skinned flipper tree. Ziploc's eventual fate has of course been immortalized in song, and Thermostat (whose name has no story, so don't ask) drowned under conditions that I will not relate in order to spare the squeamish reader, but which can only be described as an act of Darwin.
( This is getting long, so click here for the rest! )
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11:12 am
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I Like Pink
I haven't seen this in a long goddamn time and it's one of the best things ever to exist.
-=ShoEboX=-
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07:29 pm
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Worm Quartet mp3 whatnot
Okay!
Finally, the entire WQ discography (not counting bonus discs you missed out on and early tapes you don't want) can now be purchased in that newfangled empy three format you kids seem to like.
Mental Notes and Faster Than A Speeding Mullet have been available for a longass time all over the place, but Stupid Video Game Music and Sumophobia Alpha 2 EX Super Championship Turbo Edition are now available from cdbaby.com and will soon be on iTunes, Amazon, Napster, and all that happy shit. And of course they're also available from the Mad Music Archive.
If you want the Baldbox album, you're still stuck with a shiny round thing. Deal with it.
-=ShoEboX=-
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