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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Shoebox" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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10:24 am
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A stupid card game you can play with your dumb friends
EVERYBODY FUCKS THE SUPERDENTIST
A card game for 4-17 people.
Preparation:
1. Whoever has the least offensive neck (selected by vote) chooses the dealer.
2. The dealer shuffles the deck if he or she feels like it, then gives eight cards to all the white people playing the game. Everybody else gets an even number of cards, somewhere between between eight and twelve, depending on the dealer's guilt level. If the dealer runs out of cards, that's not my problem.
3. The first person who has a Jack and screams "I enjoy breastmilk!" is designated Egypt. If nobody has a Jack, the dealer chooses another random number or face card to be the Egypt-selection card, and the first person to have that card and scream "I enjoy breastmilk!" will be designated Egypt. This continues until Egypt is chosen.
4. Anyone who screams "I also enjoy breastmilk!" will be designated vice-Egypt, a purely honorary position with no real power.
5. Once Egypt has been selected, the Dealer is no longer important and must throw his or her cards acoss the room with disdain and sulk away while everybody points and laughs.
6. Players must stack their cards in order of their difference from the number of sex partners they have had, the greater numbers first. For example, if Trudy has had 6 sex partners, they would put 6 on the bottom of the deck, followed by 7, then 5, then 8, then 4. Anyone who has had sex with a King, Queen, or anyone named Jack can stack these cards on the bottom. Everyone else must stack them on the top.
Gameplay:
1. Everyone sits with their hands on their laps while leaning over the table. Egypt counts to nine, and when he or she hits seven, everybody must scream the name of their favorite dairy product (or a readily-available substitute if the player is lactose intolerant,) take the top two cards from their stack, and smack them against their forehead, allowing them to fall.
2. All players whose cards both land on the table must simultaneously try to grab at all the cards they can (excluding the players' stacks) while screaming "MINE! MINE! MINE!" This is called table-grabbing because that's what it fucking is. Any cards which landed on the table when the dealer threw his or her little sissy-fit are also eligible for grabbing at this point. Any player whose cards both land on the floor must stomp on them while swearing creatively, and may not participate in the table-grab. Any player for whom one card landed on the table and one landed on the floor must stomp first and then grab. Anyone with a card (or cards) still stuck to their forehead must scream "Aggh! Get it off get it off!" and smack it off of their forehead before proceeding with any of the above activities, and maybe consider taking a goddamned shower.
3. After the table-grabbing is complete, Egypt screams "Okay, that's game!" and the dealer should enter the room expectantly, asking if the game is over yet and if maybe they can play in the next game. The players should mock him or her relentlessly until he or she sulks away again.
4. The players should take the cards they've grabbed and put them somewhere safe and potentially inappropriate. Play should then continue, following steps 1-4, until all of the players' stacks are exhausted. Players whose cards are exhausted first cannot participate in the table-grabbing. Get over it, whitey.
5. Whoever has the most cards after all stacks are exhausted is a cheating asshole, and everybody should accuse them of this, particularly if the cheating asshole in question is Egypt. If the cheating asshole has been Egypt more than once this evening, he or she should also be slapped.
6. The dealer can come back in the room now, I guess, if he or she promises not to be such a goddamned pussy. If playing another game, the dealer selects the new dealer, and preparation for the new game begins from step 2 of "preparation."
If anyone really plays this, I want a youtube link.
-=ShoEboX=-
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07:20 am
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Mouth candy
I stopped at a Hess station for some much-needed pre-show caffeination last night, and a couple of college kids were in line in front of me, discussing their plans to drink, have some dinner, and then go to the bar. One of them was purchasing chewing tobacco, which he referred to as "mouth candy," to the great amusement of one of the other kids in line.
Mouth...candy.
Okay, so... (a.) If chewing tobacco is MOUTH candy, What do you call NORMAL candy? And more importantly, (b.) where do you put it?
This isn't quite one of those "if it wasn't for my horse" things, but I still can't stop obsessing over it.
-=ShoEboX=-
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10:23 am
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LAST MINUTE SHOW ANNOUNCEMENT!!!
Hey Rochester weenies! I'm totally rocking the Bug Jar THIS THURSDAY with Gregg Yeti, who I haven't shared a stage with in years!!! Come out or I'll fucking kill you! Seriously! I've had it with this "not showing up" shit! I know it's a Thursday night and you have to work the next day, but so what? You don't even LIKE your job. Don't be a girl. Chug a goddamned Red Bull and get your ass downtown!
November 12, 2009 - Rochester, NY
GREGG YETI AND THE BEST LIGHTS
WORM QUARTET
???
@ The Bug Jar
219 Monroe Ave
Rochester, NY 14607
Doors at 8:00. $5 21+/$7 18-20
-=ShoEboX=-
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08:57 am
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Happy Halloween, weenies!
Kim is way hotter than me but I make a way better Andrew WK.
-=ShoEboX=-
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02:37 pm
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Show cancellation
Peeps -
Unfortunately, Worm Quartet has to pull out of the "Hardcore Hip Hop Halloween" show tomorrow in Spencerport. It still looks like it's gonna be a good time, so dammit, feel free to go and enjoy all the other stuff going on there. Prizes for everyone in costume!
I'm hoping to have another Rochester-area show or two to announce in the near future. Other than that, I'm planning to lie kinda low for the rest of the year so I can focus on getting my new studio set up and working on new music.
As far as 2010 goes, I've already got MarsCon, I-Con, PenguiCon, and KeyCon scheduled. Yowza. :)
-='Box=-
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07:37 am
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHEN!
Happy 5th birthday to my son, who is now exactly 1/10 as old as "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Here's footage from his performance last weekend at Con on the Cob with EMC's son Evan, doing "R2D2." Steve's the one behind the chair who actually knows the words (Evan seriously needs to practice if this band is ever gonna work.)
-=ShoEboX=-
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11:28 am
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Spencerport Halloween show!
Now HERE's a flyer it's strange to see Worm Quartet in the middle of!
Should be a fun time, dammit! I'll be dressed as a catholic schoolgirl and doing a full set of Yanni covers!
-=ShoEboX=-
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11:31 am
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Um...
Girls don't have eyebrows or skeletons.
Discuss.
-=ShoEboX=-
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09:07 am
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CON ON THE MUDDAVUGGIN' COB!
People!!
CON ON THE COB in some stupid town near Cleveland is in two stinkin' weeks!! Run by the Andy Hopp a.k.a. the guy who did the cover of "Mental Notes!" Andy's standards are low enough that I'm the musical guest of honor, and other comedy music acts include Soggy Potato Chips, Positive Attitude, and Max DeGroot! We'll be doing dumb songs in a small room in front of whoever shows up!
You guys coming out or what?!?
-='Box=-
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10:30 am
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Hey Babylon 5 fans!
I'm watching Crusade (in JMS's recommended revised order for the hell of it) and so far it's boring the fuck out of me - much like most of the first season of B5 did.
Are there any worthwhile episodes? Or should I just give up?
And is there any reason to watch "Legend of the Rangers?" And is "The Lost Tales" any good? And where are my pants?
-=ShoEboX=-
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08:47 am
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Thou shalt not treat thy gum disease else we shall get all up in thy shit
So for whatever reason, the day I went to the dentist for a painful root scaling treatment (which was necessary because my gums are not enjoying being 34 years old,) Christianity got all up in my face.
First off, when I returned to my car, I discovered some concerned sheep had left me my very own Chick comic! Specifically, the classic "This Was Your Life!" I sat in the car, my face half-numb, and read it, wondering why the hell religious organizations are the only organizations who can distribute propaganda with scare tactics this blatant without getting shit for it. The story comes down to "Do what we say or our leader will set you on fire," which probably wouldn't fly in your average politician's re-election campaign pamphlet or Jo-Ann Fabrics sale flier. Anyway, the lesson was that apparently I'm not supposed to tell dirty stories or enjoy looking at women, and the fact that I've done both (the former occasionally in song) means I have an eternity of pain ahead of me. Maybe I should've stepped in front of a bus while the Novocaine was still in full effect. I bet that would've irritated the fuck out of Satan ("Ha-ha! I can't feel pain in my fa-ace!")
When I got back to my cubicle, I did my duty as an American geek and bitched about the root scaling experience on Twitter, saying specifically "wormquartet has determined that he does not enjoy painful dental procedures. But goddammit, flossing is for pansies." Oh, that goofy Shoebox! A bit later, I got a response from what appears to be a GodBot named "bloody_elf", re-tweeting my response with the added text "I don't like people using profane language." I visited his/her/its twitter page and lo and behold, it was nothing BUT re-tweets of tweets with profanity in them, with randomly-selected responses added such as "Please use decent language, there are kids watching this space," "Stop swearing. Thanks," "Please do not swear, thanks for your cooperation," and "Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in taking God's name in vain." It also responds to profanity in other languages. I stared at this for a bit, wondering why the fuck this supposedly devout Christian weenbag has decided to devote this much time and energy to something so meaningless instead of, I dunno, maybe HELPING people. Maybe addressing issues that actually hurt someone instead of bothering people who put ASCII characters together in an order he doesn't think Jesus would like. I had great fun reading the responses various posters had to him, but decided not to play. (NOTE: I checked bloody_elf's page again today and it's now responding to people saying "good night" and "good morning" by wishing a good night/morning back to them. What the holy righteous fuck?!?)
What's the point of this shit, seriously? Because if anything, these events have reinforced my agnosticism.
Leave me alone when I can't feel my face, religion!
-=ShoEboX=-
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09:48 pm
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Target vs. Pop Punk
This evening, after hanging out at Chuck E Cheese with my kid for a while and having dinner at Pizzeria Uno (sorry, giant creepy animatronic mouse, I like GOOD pizza) I ran into Target to pick up some Lactaid before it was too late. The large teenaged-ish girl at the cash register noticed my Queers shirt (picked up at their recent Rochester show) and decided to quietly confront me about it.
For the record, this is the shirt:
As you can see, it says "The Queers" in big letters on the top, and "A Day Late and A Dollar Short" on the bottom, the latter being the name of a Queers album. The art clearly shows Wimpy with a microphone and Joe Queer with a mic and a guitar. There can be no doubt that this is a BAND SHIRT. Anyway:
SHE: I'm surprised nobody's complained about your shirt.
ME (a bit stunned and in a hurry): Eh, they're a band.
SHE: Yeah, but still...it's very offensive.
ME: Well...whatever. *Grabbed shit, ran.*
And I've been agonizing ever since about the fact that I didn't say something more clever.
I mean, for crying out loud, I am one of Dr. Demento's most requested artists of the last several years. I am generally a reasonably witty-ass motherfucker, with a beyond-healthy dose of obnoxious to go with it. And yet this person, who clearly is either an ultra-Christian offended by even the mere mention of homosexuality or an uppity uber-leftist who thinks I'm some sort of homophobic redneck fuckwad and thinks of herself as a white knight riding to the rescue of the gay community, got me at just the right time and in just the right way to make me choke.
So now, thanks to the magic of the Internet, I can run down the whole list of everything that's occurred to me since then that I totally should have said.
Here goes.
The elementary-school playground answer:
ME: I'm surprised nobody's complained about your FACE.
The "suck it, Tipper" answer:
ME: Given that I just spent two hours in Chuck E Cheese wearing this very shirt and nobody complained, I think you may wish to reevaluate your standards of decency if you want to have any hope of being able to enjoy being a part of society.
The give-her-something-to-remember-me-by (visual) answer:
ME: My god, you're right! *Removing shirt* This is MUCH less offensive. *Shaking man-boobs*
The Jello Biafra answer:
ME: I see you're wearing the insignia of your corporate overlords, who you serve in virtual serfdom. Which, I ask, is more offensive?
The give-her-something-to-remember-me-by (verbal) answer:
ME: Well, given that the first thing I did this morning was suck my boyfriend's cock, I think I can get away with wearing this shirt.
The come-back-later-wearing-my-"Your Mother Is A Whore"-shirt answer:
ME: Is this better?
That's all I can remember at the moment. Further suggestions are welcome.
-=ShoEboX=-
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11:25 pm
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WORM QUARTET UPDATE AND BLATANT PLUG - 9/7/09
BLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
( Click here for things other than BLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! )
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12:51 pm
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Early mathematical concepts and 4-year-olds
STEVE: ...88...89...what's after 89?
ME: 90.
STEVE: ...what's after 99?
ME: 100.
STEVE: What's after 100?
ME: 101.
STEVE: ...When do numbers stop?
ME: They don't! They just keep on going?
STEVE: Why?
ME: Because sometimes you need to count to really really big numbers.
STEVE: Why?
ME: Well...let's say your school is completely full of rice. From the floor to the ceiling, completely full of rice in every room. What if you wanted to count how many pieces of rice were there?
STEVE: *Eyes go wide* AAAAGGGHHH!!! *Starts climbing me and grabbing my hair, then runs away excitedly.
KIM (from upstairs): What's going on down there?
ME: I tried to explain the concept of infinity to our son.
KIM: What happened?
ME: He attacked me.
KIM: Good!
-=ShoEboX=-
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08:53 am
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Hello!
Boil your face for Jesus! BOIL IT!!!
-=ShoEboX=-
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11:34 am
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The Curious Case of Fauxrrest Gump
Okay.
Not only is "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" total friggin' emotional-manipulation tripe, but it's also a complete and total ripoff of Forrest Gump. Let's review:
( Cut for spoilers, not that I recommend watching this movie )
A quick Google search reveals this is a rather common comparison.
And that both movies were scripted by Eric Roth. Yowza.
My lovely wife's review of this film is a tad less favorable than mine - Kim wants to get everyone involved in this movie (except Taraji Henson) together in a room and violate each of them anally with a dead baby. I should mention that although she's still recovering from her nasal surgery, she is off the Vicodin, so this is from the heart.
So I guess my point is that this movie sucks, and you shouldn't fuck with Kim. :)
On a happier note, the Queers show yesterday was awesome.
-=ShoEboX=-
Tags: #nofump
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08:12 am
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Queers, dammit, Queers!
YAAAAAAAY!! I finally get to see the Queers this weekend! Anyone of you other Rochester people going? (Well, I know YOU are, stormodacentury - t'will be good to get to see the Emersons as well.)
Oh, and it appears I'm playing a show in Syracuse (at the Lost Horizon, no less! I've always wanted to play there!) on 9/11. More info on that one soon. I'll either have a new song to premiere or I'll stab myself in the face on stage. There, that oughtta motivate my ass.
-=ShoEboX=-
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07:40 am
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The State is so goddamn awesome it makes me want to kill myself.
Remember this?
-=ShoEboX=-
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10:04 am
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I was on a boat.
So in the past week I:
- Went to the Magic Kingdom at Disney World (2-3 times through the east-cost version of the Haunted Mansion spotting small differences with Kim - the Escher-ish stairs were awesome.)
- Swam in crystal clear fresh 30-foot-deep water in underwater caverns in Mexico
- Lost about 50 bucks at the ship's casino
- Won about 50 bucks at the ship's casino
- Snorkeled in an enormous barrier reef in Belize
- Was repeatedly harassed via the onboard PA by Ryan the Cruise Director, who wanted me to spend as much time as possible buying drinks, gambling, and attending annoying vegas-style shows at which people in Carnival outfits sang the Carnival theme song, among other things, while dancers scantily clad in Carnival colors shook their various lady parts.
- Spent more time alone with my wife than I have in a couple of years, and determined that I still like her.
- Drove a jeep in Mexico without a shirt on, and ended up with a sunburn everywhere but where the seatbelt was, making me look like the cover of Van Halen's "Diver Down" with nipples. Kim mocked me and took pictures.
- Read half of "American Gods"
- Climbed mayan ruins on which many virgins had a very bad day.
- Did various stuff with a Dolphin in a large pool in the Bahamas, including letting a pair of them push me across the pool on a boogie board and "Interacting" with one while posting for $60 pictures Kim and I decided not to purchase. Cringed as I watched a small child unknowingly pet said dolphin right on her rubbery porkhole. This, incidentaly, took place at the "Atlantis" resort in the Bahamas, which is the most frightening place in the universe from a "holy fuck are you ever not good enough to be here for more than a few hours" perspective.
- Skipped breakfast to attend an insanely patronizing 40-minute lecture on tipping the staff which was billed as an "important highly recommended debarkation seminar." We walked out when the bad dance music started and the guy dressed as a smiling smokestack pranced in. Spent the rest of the next two days bitching about this with Kim and coming up with various bad things to say about Cruise Director Ryan.
- Swam in the bluest, cleanest friggin' ocean water I've ever seen somewhere near Cozumel - those photos in travel brochures are not photoshopped. Also saw four (4) honest-to-god naked female boobies at this same beach, which weren't the most impressive boobies I'd ever seen (you guys HAVE met my wife, haven't you?) But dude, BOOBIES!
- Ate so much food that I could probably end world hunger by regurgitating
- Spent evenings looking out over our balacony at a scene that included water, sky, and usually nothing else.
- Sang "Lola" at a karaoke bar and was surprisingly well-received
- Ate the best fucking pineapple I've ever had in Costa Maya, Mexico.
- Stood in line for immigration and successfully held back several comments (i.e. "Do you have any meats or fresh fruit?" "Is heroin a fruit?")
- Did bunches of shit I can't think of right now cuz I'm only on my first cup of coffee.
It was all-in-all an absolute blast, and an awesome way to celebrate the fact that me and my awesome wife have been married for ten friggin' years.
And now I'm back in a world where there is no 24-hour free room service, no waterslide upstairs, no casino downstairs, and when I wake up in the morning, I can't take an elevator up one level, walk past dozens of bikini-clad women, feast on unlimited pastries, and then step out into a country I've never been before.
But in about 15 minutes I'm gonna see my kid for the first time in two weeks, and I can't wait.
How're you guys?
-=ShoEboX=-
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11:01 am
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Stuff? Things?
Kee-riced, I haven't updated this thing in a while.
Just acknowledging that. :)
For those who care and haven't found it yet, you can follow my tomfoolery and rapscallionism on Twitter here.
My LiveJournal and Twitter posts both go to my facebook page, but neither Facebook nor Twitter posts show here, nor do my LJ posts go to Twitter, nor do my...look, do you want a chart? I bet you don't.
How are you people?
-=ShoEboX=-
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