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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Shoebox" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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08:57 am
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Happy Halloween, weenies!
Kim is way hotter than me but I make a way better Andrew WK.
-=ShoEboX=-
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02:37 pm
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Show cancellation
Peeps -
Unfortunately, Worm Quartet has to pull out of the "Hardcore Hip Hop Halloween" show tomorrow in Spencerport. It still looks like it's gonna be a good time, so dammit, feel free to go and enjoy all the other stuff going on there. Prizes for everyone in costume!
I'm hoping to have another Rochester-area show or two to announce in the near future. Other than that, I'm planning to lie kinda low for the rest of the year so I can focus on getting my new studio set up and working on new music.
As far as 2010 goes, I've already got MarsCon, I-Con, PenguiCon, and KeyCon scheduled. Yowza. :)
-='Box=-
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07:37 am
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHEN!
Happy 5th birthday to my son, who is now exactly 1/10 as old as "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Here's footage from his performance last weekend at Con on the Cob with EMC's son Evan, doing "R2D2." Steve's the one behind the chair who actually knows the words (Evan seriously needs to practice if this band is ever gonna work.)
-=ShoEboX=-
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11:28 am
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Spencerport Halloween show!
Now HERE's a flyer it's strange to see Worm Quartet in the middle of!
Should be a fun time, dammit! I'll be dressed as a catholic schoolgirl and doing a full set of Yanni covers!
-=ShoEboX=-
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11:31 am
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Um...
Girls don't have eyebrows or skeletons.
Discuss.
-=ShoEboX=-
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09:07 am
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CON ON THE MUDDAVUGGIN' COB!
People!!
CON ON THE COB in some stupid town near Cleveland is in two stinkin' weeks!! Run by the Andy Hopp a.k.a. the guy who did the cover of "Mental Notes!" Andy's standards are low enough that I'm the musical guest of honor, and other comedy music acts include Soggy Potato Chips, Positive Attitude, and Max DeGroot! We'll be doing dumb songs in a small room in front of whoever shows up!
You guys coming out or what?!?
-='Box=-
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10:30 am
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Hey Babylon 5 fans!
I'm watching Crusade (in JMS's recommended revised order for the hell of it) and so far it's boring the fuck out of me - much like most of the first season of B5 did.
Are there any worthwhile episodes? Or should I just give up?
And is there any reason to watch "Legend of the Rangers?" And is "The Lost Tales" any good? And where are my pants?
-=ShoEboX=-
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08:47 am
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Thou shalt not treat thy gum disease else we shall get all up in thy shit
So for whatever reason, the day I went to the dentist for a painful root scaling treatment (which was necessary because my gums are not enjoying being 34 years old,) Christianity got all up in my face.
First off, when I returned to my car, I discovered some concerned sheep had left me my very own Chick comic! Specifically, the classic "This Was Your Life!" I sat in the car, my face half-numb, and read it, wondering why the hell religious organizations are the only organizations who can distribute propaganda with scare tactics this blatant without getting shit for it. The story comes down to "Do what we say or our leader will set you on fire," which probably wouldn't fly in your average politician's re-election campaign pamphlet or Jo-Ann Fabrics sale flier. Anyway, the lesson was that apparently I'm not supposed to tell dirty stories or enjoy looking at women, and the fact that I've done both (the former occasionally in song) means I have an eternity of pain ahead of me. Maybe I should've stepped in front of a bus while the Novocaine was still in full effect. I bet that would've irritated the fuck out of Satan ("Ha-ha! I can't feel pain in my fa-ace!")
When I got back to my cubicle, I did my duty as an American geek and bitched about the root scaling experience on Twitter, saying specifically "wormquartet has determined that he does not enjoy painful dental procedures. But goddammit, flossing is for pansies." Oh, that goofy Shoebox! A bit later, I got a response from what appears to be a GodBot named "bloody_elf", re-tweeting my response with the added text "I don't like people using profane language." I visited his/her/its twitter page and lo and behold, it was nothing BUT re-tweets of tweets with profanity in them, with randomly-selected responses added such as "Please use decent language, there are kids watching this space," "Stop swearing. Thanks," "Please do not swear, thanks for your cooperation," and "Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in taking God's name in vain." It also responds to profanity in other languages. I stared at this for a bit, wondering why the fuck this supposedly devout Christian weenbag has decided to devote this much time and energy to something so meaningless instead of, I dunno, maybe HELPING people. Maybe addressing issues that actually hurt someone instead of bothering people who put ASCII characters together in an order he doesn't think Jesus would like. I had great fun reading the responses various posters had to him, but decided not to play. (NOTE: I checked bloody_elf's page again today and it's now responding to people saying "good night" and "good morning" by wishing a good night/morning back to them. What the holy righteous fuck?!?)
What's the point of this shit, seriously? Because if anything, these events have reinforced my agnosticism.
Leave me alone when I can't feel my face, religion!
-=ShoEboX=-
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09:48 pm
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Target vs. Pop Punk
This evening, after hanging out at Chuck E Cheese with my kid for a while and having dinner at Pizzeria Uno (sorry, giant creepy animatronic mouse, I like GOOD pizza) I ran into Target to pick up some Lactaid before it was too late. The large teenaged-ish girl at the cash register noticed my Queers shirt (picked up at their recent Rochester show) and decided to quietly confront me about it.
For the record, this is the shirt:
As you can see, it says "The Queers" in big letters on the top, and "A Day Late and A Dollar Short" on the bottom, the latter being the name of a Queers album. The art clearly shows Wimpy with a microphone and Joe Queer with a mic and a guitar. There can be no doubt that this is a BAND SHIRT. Anyway:
SHE: I'm surprised nobody's complained about your shirt.
ME (a bit stunned and in a hurry): Eh, they're a band.
SHE: Yeah, but still...it's very offensive.
ME: Well...whatever. *Grabbed shit, ran.*
And I've been agonizing ever since about the fact that I didn't say something more clever.
I mean, for crying out loud, I am one of Dr. Demento's most requested artists of the last several years. I am generally a reasonably witty-ass motherfucker, with a beyond-healthy dose of obnoxious to go with it. And yet this person, who clearly is either an ultra-Christian offended by even the mere mention of homosexuality or an uppity uber-leftist who thinks I'm some sort of homophobic redneck fuckwad and thinks of herself as a white knight riding to the rescue of the gay community, got me at just the right time and in just the right way to make me choke.
So now, thanks to the magic of the Internet, I can run down the whole list of everything that's occurred to me since then that I totally should have said.
Here goes.
The elementary-school playground answer:
ME: I'm surprised nobody's complained about your FACE.
The "suck it, Tipper" answer:
ME: Given that I just spent two hours in Chuck E Cheese wearing this very shirt and nobody complained, I think you may wish to reevaluate your standards of decency if you want to have any hope of being able to enjoy being a part of society.
The give-her-something-to-remember-me-by (visual) answer:
ME: My god, you're right! *Removing shirt* This is MUCH less offensive. *Shaking man-boobs*
The Jello Biafra answer:
ME: I see you're wearing the insignia of your corporate overlords, who you serve in virtual serfdom. Which, I ask, is more offensive?
The give-her-something-to-remember-me-by (verbal) answer:
ME: Well, given that the first thing I did this morning was suck my boyfriend's cock, I think I can get away with wearing this shirt.
The come-back-later-wearing-my-"Your Mother Is A Whore"-shirt answer:
ME: Is this better?
That's all I can remember at the moment. Further suggestions are welcome.
-=ShoEboX=-
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11:25 pm
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WORM QUARTET UPDATE AND BLATANT PLUG - 9/7/09
BLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
( Click here for things other than BLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! )
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12:51 pm
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Early mathematical concepts and 4-year-olds
STEVE: ...88...89...what's after 89?
ME: 90.
STEVE: ...what's after 99?
ME: 100.
STEVE: What's after 100?
ME: 101.
STEVE: ...When do numbers stop?
ME: They don't! They just keep on going?
STEVE: Why?
ME: Because sometimes you need to count to really really big numbers.
STEVE: Why?
ME: Well...let's say your school is completely full of rice. From the floor to the ceiling, completely full of rice in every room. What if you wanted to count how many pieces of rice were there?
STEVE: *Eyes go wide* AAAAGGGHHH!!! *Starts climbing me and grabbing my hair, then runs away excitedly.
KIM (from upstairs): What's going on down there?
ME: I tried to explain the concept of infinity to our son.
KIM: What happened?
ME: He attacked me.
KIM: Good!
-=ShoEboX=-
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08:53 am
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Hello!
Boil your face for Jesus! BOIL IT!!!
-=ShoEboX=-
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11:34 am
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The Curious Case of Fauxrrest Gump
Okay.
Not only is "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" total friggin' emotional-manipulation tripe, but it's also a complete and total ripoff of Forrest Gump. Let's review:
( Cut for spoilers, not that I recommend watching this movie )
A quick Google search reveals this is a rather common comparison.
And that both movies were scripted by Eric Roth. Yowza.
My lovely wife's review of this film is a tad less favorable than mine - Kim wants to get everyone involved in this movie (except Taraji Henson) together in a room and violate each of them anally with a dead baby. I should mention that although she's still recovering from her nasal surgery, she is off the Vicodin, so this is from the heart.
So I guess my point is that this movie sucks, and you shouldn't fuck with Kim. :)
On a happier note, the Queers show yesterday was awesome.
-=ShoEboX=-
Tags: #nofump
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08:12 am
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Queers, dammit, Queers!
YAAAAAAAY!! I finally get to see the Queers this weekend! Anyone of you other Rochester people going? (Well, I know YOU are, stormodacentury - t'will be good to get to see the Emersons as well.)
Oh, and it appears I'm playing a show in Syracuse (at the Lost Horizon, no less! I've always wanted to play there!) on 9/11. More info on that one soon. I'll either have a new song to premiere or I'll stab myself in the face on stage. There, that oughtta motivate my ass.
-=ShoEboX=-
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07:40 am
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The State is so goddamn awesome it makes me want to kill myself.
Remember this?
-=ShoEboX=-
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10:04 am
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I was on a boat.
So in the past week I:
- Went to the Magic Kingdom at Disney World (2-3 times through the east-cost version of the Haunted Mansion spotting small differences with Kim - the Escher-ish stairs were awesome.)
- Swam in crystal clear fresh 30-foot-deep water in underwater caverns in Mexico
- Lost about 50 bucks at the ship's casino
- Won about 50 bucks at the ship's casino
- Snorkeled in an enormous barrier reef in Belize
- Was repeatedly harassed via the onboard PA by Ryan the Cruise Director, who wanted me to spend as much time as possible buying drinks, gambling, and attending annoying vegas-style shows at which people in Carnival outfits sang the Carnival theme song, among other things, while dancers scantily clad in Carnival colors shook their various lady parts.
- Spent more time alone with my wife than I have in a couple of years, and determined that I still like her.
- Drove a jeep in Mexico without a shirt on, and ended up with a sunburn everywhere but where the seatbelt was, making me look like the cover of Van Halen's "Diver Down" with nipples. Kim mocked me and took pictures.
- Read half of "American Gods"
- Climbed mayan ruins on which many virgins had a very bad day.
- Did various stuff with a Dolphin in a large pool in the Bahamas, including letting a pair of them push me across the pool on a boogie board and "Interacting" with one while posting for $60 pictures Kim and I decided not to purchase. Cringed as I watched a small child unknowingly pet said dolphin right on her rubbery porkhole. This, incidentaly, took place at the "Atlantis" resort in the Bahamas, which is the most frightening place in the universe from a "holy fuck are you ever not good enough to be here for more than a few hours" perspective.
- Skipped breakfast to attend an insanely patronizing 40-minute lecture on tipping the staff which was billed as an "important highly recommended debarkation seminar." We walked out when the bad dance music started and the guy dressed as a smiling smokestack pranced in. Spent the rest of the next two days bitching about this with Kim and coming up with various bad things to say about Cruise Director Ryan.
- Swam in the bluest, cleanest friggin' ocean water I've ever seen somewhere near Cozumel - those photos in travel brochures are not photoshopped. Also saw four (4) honest-to-god naked female boobies at this same beach, which weren't the most impressive boobies I'd ever seen (you guys HAVE met my wife, haven't you?) But dude, BOOBIES!
- Ate so much food that I could probably end world hunger by regurgitating
- Spent evenings looking out over our balacony at a scene that included water, sky, and usually nothing else.
- Sang "Lola" at a karaoke bar and was surprisingly well-received
- Ate the best fucking pineapple I've ever had in Costa Maya, Mexico.
- Stood in line for immigration and successfully held back several comments (i.e. "Do you have any meats or fresh fruit?" "Is heroin a fruit?")
- Did bunches of shit I can't think of right now cuz I'm only on my first cup of coffee.
It was all-in-all an absolute blast, and an awesome way to celebrate the fact that me and my awesome wife have been married for ten friggin' years.
And now I'm back in a world where there is no 24-hour free room service, no waterslide upstairs, no casino downstairs, and when I wake up in the morning, I can't take an elevator up one level, walk past dozens of bikini-clad women, feast on unlimited pastries, and then step out into a country I've never been before.
But in about 15 minutes I'm gonna see my kid for the first time in two weeks, and I can't wait.
How're you guys?
-=ShoEboX=-
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11:01 am
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Stuff? Things?
Kee-riced, I haven't updated this thing in a while.
Just acknowledging that. :)
For those who care and haven't found it yet, you can follow my tomfoolery and rapscallionism on Twitter here.
My LiveJournal and Twitter posts both go to my facebook page, but neither Facebook nor Twitter posts show here, nor do my LJ posts go to Twitter, nor do my...look, do you want a chart? I bet you don't.
How are you people?
-=ShoEboX=-
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07:40 am
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Hot damn! Positive Attitude's "The New Fresh" available for free download!
Go here: http://www.zshare.net/download/624581331ccf95e6/
For you sad pathetic souls unfamiliar with Positive Attitude, they're a seriously talented comedy rap duo from Cleveland reminiscent of the Bloodhound Gang (pre-"Hefty Fine.") Awesomely catchy music, funny lyrics, killer production, and more 80's references than you can shake a Monchichi at. And there's even a Worm Quartet appearance on this thing - I sing lead on the chorus of "2600," which was a major honor for me cuz I love that friggin' song. And its subject matter. And pie. Pie is awesome.
Seriously, check these guys out if you haven't, and enjoy the disc if you have.
-=ShoEboX=-
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07:43 am
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Traffic fun
I pull out of a parking lot this morning (Wegmans - I wanted a goddamn bagel,) wait at a red light, and, when no cars are coming for a bit, make a right turn onto a 4-lane road.
Seconds later, a gigantic SUV - which was far away at the time I made the turn, mind you - comes screaming up behind me, almost hitting my bumper, and the lady inside starts freaking out - throwing her arms around and screaming god-knows-what, with the apparent implication that I should be going 65mph despite the fact that it's a 35mph zone and I'm approaching a red light.
I decide to mock her, so I start throwing my arms around like Dr. Octopus on crack while my brain starts trying to work out whether I have room in my tiny car to get myself into a decent position to moon her. But before I can work out the logistics, she flips me off - AND TAKES THE NEXT TURN, ABOUT 1/8 OF A MILE UP THE ROAD FROM WHERE I GOT IN FRONT OF HER. I inconvenienced this speed demon for a total of maybe 15 seconds, and for this she flipped out like I had just set her baby on fire.
It's this last realization that was the clincher as far as my mood. I started playing various scenarios in my brain, ranging from "instead of throwing my arms around wildly, I should have called upon my moderate ASL knowledge and signed 'EAT A BAG OF BATTERED SKUNK VAGINAS, BITCH!'" to "I should have turned around, followed her down her side road, gotten out of my car when she got out of hers, summoned some tears, and guilted the fuck out of her with a story about my wife having just died four days ago and how I'm now the single parent of legless siamese twin crack babies trying to get by at my job cleaning the video booths at a 24-hour gay porn shop with a toothbrush, and they only pay me in store credit so my family subsists on a diet of edible thongs and gummi penises."
I finally settled into just hoping she has a heart attack and dies today (sure, she might just be having a bad day, but I'm not a particularly forgiving person - particularly when it comes to people I do not know personally who have irritated me without me having done anything to deserve it.) But as this outcome is unlikely despite her obvious stress level, I will instead have to be contented with posting this here in the hopes that a handful of my friends and fans of Worm Quartet will read it, and thus multiple people across the world who have never met and will never meet this woman will think "God, what a cunt."
-=ShoEboX=-
Tags: nofump
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01:16 pm
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Fun with words
Kim and I are catsitting for some friends of ours who are in the process of buying a home, but temporarily living in a place where they can't have pets. Our furry freeloader's name is Kiki, and she tends to meow loudly and incessantly when she wants something. This resulted in the following conversation this morning while I was getting Steve ready for day care:
KIKI: Mrow! Mrow! Mrow!
ME: Wow, Kiki's obnoxious this morning!
STEVE: Yeah, she's very noxious!
*pause*
STEVE: I don't know that word.
-=ShoEboX=-
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